Love Means Never having to say, Oh, sht
by Rita Arabella Black
Summary: Written orignally for McCoy/Chapel Challenge 09 in Live Journal. Something from McCoy's past threatens McCoy & Christine's new relationship. Kind of a continuation of my story Tour of Duty. Longer than my usual 1 chapters.


**A/N: I wrote this for the McCoy/Chapel challenge 09 in Live Journal. McCoy's past comes to bite him on the ass and it threatens McCoy & Chapel's relationship. It's probably the longest one shot I've ever written. I think I jumped the shark on this one, but I did like the story. Besides, it's kind of a continuation of another ST story I wrote: Tour of Duty. Hope you enjoy.--Rita**

Love Means Never Having to Say, 'Oh, Sh*t'

I was still in the afterglow of an afternoon of lazy, playful, satisfying sex with the chief medical officer aboard the best ship in Starfleet Command, the _USS Enterprise_. I was so thrilled to be back from the depths of hell, better known as Starfleet Command headquarters, that nothing could have ruined the moment. McCoy got up to use the head and I wrapped myself in his bed sheet. The sheet was soft and it held our scent. I could have died there, but I would have died happy.

McCoy wasn't much of a cuddler, so I was surprised when he came back to bed and held me. I thought he was going to tell me something, but he sighed contentedly and was snoring softly within a minute. A nap would do us a lot of good because I had no intentions of leaving his side for at least the next twenty-four hours. Of course, the minute I settled in for a little rejuvenating nap, I received a message that I was to report to my duty station.

Sighing, I kissed him goodbye, and he smiled in his sleep. It was hard to walk away from him, especially since I'd just gotten reassigned.

We weren't working together, of course. That was not only a no, but _hell no_, so as soon as I got back on board, I was assigned to one of the smaller aid stations. My medical team always seemed to be called as the away team whenever the medical help was needed by landing parties. As senior medical officer, McCoy only got the sexy assignments off ship.

"Ah, Christine," my boss Dr. Blue called as I walked into the aid station. Dr. Blue wasn't his real name; I called him Dr. Blue because that was what color he was and I couldn't have pronounced his name to save my life. He was from the moon Andoria. He had a good sense of humor and was almost human; having been raised and studied on Earth. He liked to talk xenobiotics, a kind of hobby of mine.

"Hey Doc," I called to him. "Whatz up?" For some reason Dr. Blue loved 20th century earth hip hop language, and he giggled his approval.

"You, dog," he said, giggling louder.

I was relieved because if it were a dangerous mission or a real emergency he wouldn't have spoken to me so casually.

"Have you recently had human intercourse?" he asked.

"Jeez, Doc, a girl doesn't kiss and tell, and besides I showered," I said, not at all embarrassed or offended at the direction the conversation had turned because I knew that Andorians were very a plain spoken and curious race.

"I only asked because of the glow you are projecting. May I ask why the only medical personnel you will do the nasty dance with is my boss?"

"Doc, your boss is the only personnel I do the nasty dance with. You know that."

"Hmm, and you will only mate with humans?"

I gave him a startled laughed. "Uh, yeah, pretty much. Where'd all this come from? Do you need a date?"

"That's beside the point," he harrumphed. "The Captain has asked us to join him in the shuttle bay; we will be part of a landing party. Sorry for the short notice, I know it was Rodriga's turn, but she is currently in sick bay herself," he said suddenly all business.

"No problem. I'm ready."

On the way to the shuttle bay, Doc briefed me on the planet and the mission. We had gotten reports that one of the Star Fleet Explorer team members had become ill and we were to treat him and check out the rest of the party; restock their supplies, etc.

SFET are a group of scientists, data collectors, engineers, xenopologists, medical research personnel who inhabit and explore planets for the Federation. They are a dedicated, boring, bunch who seems to enjoy the adventure of being marooned on a desolate or hostile planet for the good of the Federation. Bully for them, I say.

I was stoked because we were taking the shuttlecraft and I didn't have to hurl my insides into a bazillion little pieces. I was probably the only person in Star Fleet Command who got a little nauseous at the idea of being beamed anywhere. I much rather preferred old timey shuttle rides. The four man security team who was to accompany us were old pals of mine. Greg, Tony, Armando, & Phil usually went on missions with our team. They were sweet guys who always invited me to play with them when we got together for Phaser Tag. They treated me like a little sister, although every one of them had hit on me at one time or another. But after I started seeing McCoy on a regular basis, they turned into dynamite big brothers.

What surprised me was the Captain was coming along and so was Scotty. Kirk waved to me when I walked up the platform; he was actually piloting the shuttlecraft, which was a real shocker. Scott looked very uncomfortable as he sat next to the Captain, but gave me a cheery wave and a smile. I looked around expecting to see the first officer, but I guess they had to leave someone in charge of the ship. Whenever there's an all-star landing party (the Captain, first officer, you know, the big wigs) the chief medical officer is usually included, but McCoy was probably still snoring away where I'd left him.

"Christine," Kirk said, "come up front. Mr. Scott said he'd be delighted to give up his seat for you. I don't think he trusts my driving."

Scotty laughed, but he jumped up and gave me his chair. "I'll stay in the back; I'm no anxious ta see my own demise."

"Thanks," I said, grateful for the single seat.

Once everyone had gotten on board, Jim turned to me winked, "Hang on," he said as he took the shuttlecraft into open space.

I gasped in awe of the magnificent view of the cosmos and suddenly felt very, very small.

"It is beautiful, isn't it?" he said watching my expression.

"It does it to me every time," I said.

"Me, too," he said smiling.

As we approached the planet and flew into its atmosphere, the color abruptly changed from a misty gray to almost black. The cloud cover hid the true color of the planet, which was an onyx shiny black. I'd never seen anything like it before. Everything was the same color. I was very curious to see what the inhabitants looked like, but I doubted if they were planning on making contact with the aboriginals. Most of the SFETs didn't mingle unless asked.

"The planet appears to be unpopulated," Kirk said, answering my unspoken question. "The atmosphere is breathable, but I wouldn't want to be stuck out here for any length of time. The SFETs has a shelter about a click from our LZ." He cleared his throat. "Lady and gentlemen, thank you for flying with us this afternoon. We will be landing in about five minutes. Please make sure your seats and tray tables are in the upright position. We know you had a choice with your carrier today and we're pleased you chose us."

Dr. Blue looked at the Captain blankly, but the rest of the shuttle laughed heartily. I'd have to explain it to him later.

Once the shuttlecraft landed (without a hitch, I must say) I helped unload the supplies and we walked the short distance to the SFET's camp. The terrain was very difficult to traverse; it felt like we were walking in ice and snow, but there was just the sleek shiny and very hard ground beneath us. We came upon a large tent-looking thing that was larger than a city block. The Federation flag flew outside the main door.

Once inside the shelter, we waited several minutes before anyone came out to greet us. I thought that was very odd, but the team was very cordial. Four of the eleven team members came out and they seemed extremely happy to see the medical team and to get the supplies we'd brought. I asked about the sick member and was taken to their small aid station.

The aid station was separated by a white curtain and as I started toward an opening in it, out popped the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on. Her skin was flawless and her hair, flowing around her was a rich golden blonde. I felt like one of the ugly step sisters next to her. Her smile was one of concern and welcome.

"How wonderful you're here, doctor," she said to me, reaching for my hand. Her touch was warm, why I expected it to be cold, I don't know. Maybe I was looking for a flaw in her. "I'm Dr. Beauchamp."

"Uh, I'm not the doctor, I'm the attending nurse. I'm Christine, Christine Chapel."

Her smile faded for a second as she looked at me. "You are from the Enterprise, yes?"

I nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

"Ah," she frowned slightly. "Do you, by any chance, know the chief medical officer?" she asked offhandedly.

"Of course, Dr. McCoy," I said. I was thinking, _damn, this is a small universe._

"Is he well?" she asked.

I nodded dumbly. "He was the last time I saw him. Are you a friend of his?"

She laughed softly. "You might say that. I'm his fiancée."

"Really?" I said. "Funny he never mentioned you."

She shook her head. "No offense, but I doubt he would tell his subordinates _anything _of his personal life."

"No offense taken," I said with a smile. _Bitch._ All of a sudden she wasn't all that beautiful. Her hair was_, well,_ _shit, face it, Chapel, she was still perfect._ As hard as I tried, I couldn't find a flaw. She even had a real Southern accent. "Where's the patient?" I asked pleasantly.

"Should we wait on the doctor?"

"If you'd like," I smiled through clenched teeth. She was beginning to really piss me off.

We stared at each other for a few moments. The silence was deafening. Where were Dr. Blue and the rest of the team, I wondered. I want off this planet as soon as possible. I wanted to kill McCoy. How dare he do that to me? Was I just some piece of ass? He was engaged. _To a beauty queen_.

After an eternity, Dr. Blue appeared at the door followed closely by Jim and Scotty.

"Elsa?" the Captain said, genuinely surprised. "Is that, uh," he looked at me and I was frowning, "really you?"

_Oh hell, of course her name was 'Elsa', what else could it be? Perfect name; perfect face. Of course she was engaged to the man I lo—really, really liked._ My dishwater blonde hair was suddenly dull and lanky and there was no real comparison between the two of us. I don't think anything could have made me feel worse.

"Elsa, you're looking more beautiful than ever," Jim said kissing the big ass ring I just noticed on her wedding finger.

Okay, now I feel worse. What was I? Invisible? _I'm standing right here._

Neither Mr. Scott nor Dr. Blue knew what the hell was going on. Doc was waiting to get to his patient and Mr. Scott was probably wondering when happy hour was.

Scotty rocked back and forth on his heels. "So, ya know each other?" he asked conversationally.

"Sorry, Mr. Scott, this is Elsa Beauchamp. Elsa, this is Alexander Scott, our chief engineer. And yes, we go way back."

Elsa looked impressed. She held out her hand regally and Scotty, blushing slightly, kissed it. "It is such a pleasure, sir," she cooed.

Scotty blushed some more and stammered like a school boy. She was less than gracious toward Dr. Blue, but being a southern gentlewoman, tradition demanded that she be polite. She discreetly raised an eyebrow and flared her nostrils a bit. _Okay, _I thought_, a xenophobe. Good. So she isn't perfect._

"Jim, why didn't you bring Leonard along? It would have been such a surprise," she flirted.

He glanced at me and said, "Didn't know you'd be here. Yes, I imagine it would be a surprise all right." _I'm glad he thought it was funny._

Frankly, I'd had enough, "Come on, Doc," I said as I grabbed Dr. Blue's arm and walked into the area where the supposedly dying patient was.

"She was very pretty," he began but my look cut him off. "Oh, sorry." He'd just realized why I was a little pissy right now.

"It's okay," I said. "No big deal. We've got a life to save."

The patient, an engineer, had cut himself badly on the black rock, and an infection that wasn't gangrene yet, but it looked like he might lose his leg if we didn't act quickly. I didn't understand how he could have it gone this long, and it was obvious the man was in a lot of pain.

The first thing Doc did was gave him a shot for pain. This calmed him down a lot and he immediately went to sleep. Doc kept speaking in his native language under his breath, but I got the gist of the conversation. How the hell did this man get this way? I've met a lot of intellectual types who have no common sense and I was beginning to believe this might be the case here. They were too important to concentrate on the mundane things like good hygiene or simple first aid. Dr. Perfect was the only medical personnel on the team; I guess they didn't need corpsmen or assistants because the facility was too small.

I found out that the SFET had run out of pain medication a week ago, which is why, Austin, the patient, was in the shape he was. After Doc dosed him up, he fell right to sleep and within minutes, his fever was almost normal. Doc had him pumped up with antibiotics and within the hour his leg was still oozing, but the angry red color was gone.

We were cleaning up the wound and I said, mostly to myself, "I wonder why McCoy never told me he was engaged?"

"Well," Doc said, "That's obvious, isn't it? You wouldn't have made your first booty call if you'd known he was promised."

"Well, thanks, doctor," I said, drolly. "Can you make me feel any more like a slut?"

He didn't understand my sarcasm at first, but he realized that he'd been a wee bit insensitive. On the other hand, he was right. I would have never gone after McCoy had I known about Elsa. It was all his fault.

Now I was beginning to understand why he didn't want anyone to know about our relationship. Of course it made perfect sense.

While I wanted, with all my heart, to avoid Elsa and the captain, I found it kind of odd that she, as the only medical personnel in the camp, never came in and checked on her patient while doc and I were working on him. Maybe she didn't want to talk to us plebeians, which suited me just fine. So after we were finished in the aid station, I helped the rest of the landing party and SFET staff inventory and stow the supplies we'd brought. I looked at the inventory of supplies that the SFET had brought with them, and according to my calculations, they never should have run out of pain meds. I asked the person in charge of supplies and she seemed genuinely surprised that they were out. She thought the numbers might be wrong.

"Well," I pointed out, "Dr. Beauchamp signed for them, see?" I pointed out her signature on the inventories. "How often did you count them?"

The woman looked uncomfortable. "I never did. No one ever got sick before Austin."

"That's weird," I said.

She looked nervous. "I mean people had injuries and the occasional URI or UTI, that sort of thing, but nothing like what happened to Austin."

"Hmm," I said.

"Please don't tell Elsa about this; she will explode."

"Are you trying to hide something?"

"Me? No, no, of course not, it's just she doesn't take bad news well. I'll tell the director; he's a calmer head."

"Look, I don't want to start any trouble, but it looks like someone's been stealing the pain meds; unless of course, no one here knows how to count."

I was interrupted by the annoying sound of my communicator; I flipped it open. "Chapel here," I said.

"Christine, come to the dining hall." It was the Captain.

"Right away, sir," I said. I closed the communicator and handed the supply clerk the rest of the inventory. "You tell someone about this," I said. "Or I will."

She nodded nervously. I doubted she would say anything; I suspected she was the one stealing the drugs. I'd tell the captain or the director. I'm sure the SFET director wouldn't believe me because they seemed to be a very tight knit group. For all I knew they probably didn't care about a few missing vials of pain killer.

When I walked into the dining area, Jim rushed to my side. "McCoy's coming," he said. "I thought I'd let you know."

"Thanks, Captain," I said rather formally. "You want me to leave? Because if it were up to me,"

"It's not," he said, cutting me off. "I'm sorry."

"Does he know she's here?" I asked. Okay, I was about ready to cry. I just didn't want to be humiliated. Couldn't Jim see that?

"Yes," he said. "And he wants to talk to you."

"I'll bet," I said turning around, walking right into Scotty.

"Mr. Scott," I said, desperately trying not to cry. "How about a walk around the Lido Deck?" I said, taking his arm. He looked at the Captain and then smiled at me.

"It would be my pleasure," he said.

"I bet we can find an open bar somewhere," I said.

"You're reading ma mind, dearie. Let's go."

We didn't find a bar, but we did find some alcohol; high end wine that we managed to open without a corkscrew. We passed the bottle between us. It wasn't great stuff, but I managed to get a slight buzz because I drank it so fast.

"Are you all right?" Scotty asked me, taking a long drink and offering me the bottle.

"I guess you heard, huh?" I said. I looked at the bottle, reading the label and then I took a deep swallow.

He nodded. "Sorry," he said.

"I should have known," I said, shaking my head. I shrugged. "It's okay. No big deal."

"You're too good for him," he said, taking the bottle back.

"I know. Oh well, I guess this sort of thing happens all the time." _But not to me. _I had always been very careful with my heart, but I had to be honest; I was in love with the good doctor, and I was feeling very betrayed.

"Ya need a date t' the prom?" he asked handing me back the bottle. "'Cos I'm available." He blushed a little.

"At least we don't work together anymore. That would be my final level of hell. Now I can get over him. No harm, no foul. I'll be perfectly fine," I said, finishing off the bottle of wine, and ignoring his invitation. "Well, shit," I said tossing the bottle into a waste container.

Of course I'd be perfectly fine, but at the moment it hurt. A lot. I wanted to get mad, and I was sure that was coming. He'd worked very hard to get me back aboard the Enterprise after my transfer to Star Fleet Command. Jim told me that he contacted everyone in the Federation; telling them my talent was being wasted. I wish now I'd stayed in my boring job on earth. I could have made more promotions and I could have met someone who wouldn't have broken my heart. I hated him at that moment, and I was sure if he had walked through the door at that moment, I could have reacted in a way that would have told him I didn't give a shit about him. He was a great time, but that was it. There certainly were a lot of other men in the galaxy and some really hot ones on the _Enterprise. _I could do way better than him.

And then he walked through the door. His hair was mussed and he had a dour expression on his face. He gave Scotty a dirty look and then turned to me. "Didn't Jim say I wanted to talk to you?"

"I thought you'd want some alone time with your fiancée, _asshole_," I said pushing him away as he walked toward me. It didn't help matters that I started to cry. "When were you going to tell me about her?" I swiped at the tears, angry at myself for letting go like that.

"Scotty, would you excuse us?" he asked. Scott kissed me on the cheek and started out the door.

"I don't want to talk to you right now," I told him, throwing off his arm. He was trying to keep me in the room and I wanted to get the hell out. "There's nothing you can say right now to make me want to listen to you."

I was almost at the door. "I love you," he said in a quiet voice.

I swung around and I was in his face in a heartbeat; my finger digging hard into his chest. "No; you do not have the right to talk to me. You know what, McCoy? You can kiss my ass. Go back to your fiancée and leave me the hell alone."

I stormed out of the room and went outside the compound. I knew I wasn't acting very mature, but at this moment I didn't feel very mature. Greg, Tony, Armando, & Phil were outside near the shuttlecraft. They were examining the rock formations.

"Whoa," Greg said. "What happened to you?"

"I'm just a little pissed off. I'll be all right. What're you guys doing out here? Isn't the atmosphere a little heavy for you?"

"Nah, it takes a little while to adjust, but it's okay. Are you all right? Who are you pissed at?"

I shook my head. "Doesn't matter. I just needed some fresh air. Not that I'll get it here," I said starting to cough. I felt like all the oxygen had left my lungs and I couldn't breathe. In my agitated state I was hyperventilating and the thick atmosphere wasn't sufficient for me to breathe. I needed to slow down and breathe deeper, but I couldn't. I felt light headed and the next thing I knew I was lying in a modified oxygen tent. To add to my humiliation, Elsa was standing over me and McCoy was yelling at me. How could I do something so stupid? Didn't I know I could die out there?

I rolled my eyes and tried to remove the breathing apparatus from my face, but he kept slapping my hands away from it. "Stop," he said.

"Leonard, what is wrong with this woman?" Elsa said, watching the melodrama before her.

"Nothing," he said grumpily. "She's just stubborn."

"I'll say." She leaned in closely, right in my face. "Catherine, you have to stop this nonsense right now or you'll make yourself sicker. Do not remove the oxygen."

"It's Christine," McCoy said to her very softly. She looked at him confused. "Her name isn't Catherine; it's Christine."

"Oh," Elsa stood erect and looked at him; then she turned and looked at me. A wave of recognition passed over her face. She pursed her lips together and scowled. I reached up and touched her arm, and I shook my head.

I took a deep breath and removed my mask. "It's not what you think," I said to her. "Honestly." I tried to smile. "It's a small ship; everyone is on a first name basis."

McCoy stood back and frowned; he shook his head slightly, but Elsa didn't see him. She was too busy searching my face to see any tell-tale signs of lying. I looked at her dead in the eyes; I smiled and kept thinking, _don't mess this up, Christine, keep smiling._ "And see, I'm all better." I pushed the device away from me and hopped up. "Thanks for saving my life," I said.

The security guys were waiting outside the door, peering in to make sure I was all right. I grinned and waved at them and gave them a thumbs up sign. Scotty was standing with on the other side of the door. Bless his heart. He hugged me real tight and then he winked at me and kissed me hard on my mouth. It actually took my breath away. And then he kissed me again, seriously this time. I threw my arms around him and totally enjoyed the moment. _Wow,_ I mouthed. He looked a little overwhelmed as well.

I heard a noise from behind the door and I looked up long enough to see McCoy slamming his fist into the window. He was turning a shade of red I hadn't seen before. Now he knew how I felt. I looked him in the eyes and turned around and walked away from him; Scotty holding my hand.

Doctor Blue stepped out of the shadow. He giggled, holding his hand over his mouth. "That was most interesting," he said following closely behind us. "Were you trying to elicit a response from Dr. McCoy?" he asked. He threw back his head and laughed. "Well, I think you succeeded," he said. "Admirably."

"That wasn't my intent at all," I said haughtily. "I was trying to give him a way out. I don't want to see him hurt. If he loves the woman and wants to marry her, I didn't want to mess it up for him."

"How honorable," Doc said.

"What a crock," Scotty said.

"Okay, I just wanted to let him know I was better than him," I confessed. "I know how I'd feel if I was in Elsa's shoes. He was engaged when we started the affair; he didn't bother to tell me he had a fiancée. I blame him for that. Whatever we had is based on a lie," I said as I looped my arms around Scotty and the doc. "Thanks for the kiss, by the way. I know you did it for McCoy's benefit, but still…"

Scott was still blushing. "No," he said, grinning. "I did it for mine."

My only thought at the moment was to talk to the Captain. I needed to find out all I could about Elsa and their relationship. Why? I have no idea except I might be a bit of a masochist. I was pretty pissed at Jim, too; I didn't like the way he acted around the woman. I wish he would have taken my side and let me get off the planet before the major damage was done. He knew about me and McCoy and he seemed to approve of it.

I found him in the command post headquarters. He was talking to the director and he had a concerned look on his face when he saw me.

"Christine, how are you? I heard you had a scary episode. And how can you be walking around? Dr. Beauchamp said she gave you enough pain killers to paralyze a horse. You really should be unconscious now."

"I didn't get any pain killers. I had a breathing problem; I wasn't in any pain." Okay, the light was coming on; all of a sudden I had an idea where all the pain medication might be going.

"Oh?" There was something in Jim's eyes. "Well, I guess I misunderstood. You've met the director?"

I shook my head and offered my hand. "No, I don't believe we've met."

"Peter Watson," he said, shaking my hand. "And you are Christine Chapel?"

I nodded politely. "Sorry I haven't been round. Doctor Blue, er, Chez-er-plod-kk-coo-glik and I were looking after your engineer," I said mangling Dr. Blue's name terribly. "He's doing much better, by the way."

"Glad to hear that. Wonderful news. He's been ill for so long."

"Excuse us, sir, but I really need to speak to the Captain," I said politely. I got the feeling he didn't want to talk to me, but that was too bad.

"I'll be right back," Jim said, even more politely. "Christine?" He escorted me out of the headquarters and we found a small empty room.

"I'm so sorry, Christine. I couldn't give you any more of a warning. I had no idea Elsa was here or I never would have let you come. She nagged me until I had to call McCoy. I didn't want to do it. And believe me, Bones wasn't happy to see her and you in the same galaxy."

"I got that much. It's okay, really. I'd just like to know how they met and stuff." I didn't know what I wanted to know. "I'm just kind of hurt you never said anything to me when he and I, you know."

Jim looked embarrassed. "You two looked so good together; you are so good for him and I never thought Elsa was. I never honestly believed he was that serious about her, and when they told me they were engaged… Well, it was a real difficult time in Bone's life. I think they needed each other, but I knew she was no good for him. He wanted to straighten up his life, and well, frankly, she didn't. They were kind of co-dependents."

"Shit, Jim. Everything that I saw in my future was a future with him. Kind of screwed up all my plans. Now, what do I do?"

"Don't give up, Christine."

I rolled by eyes at him. He didn't have a clue. "You do understand that having a fiancée is a deal breaker, don't you? Do you honestly expect me to forgive and forget? Do you have any idea what I'm feeling right now?"

"I have an idea," he said quietly. "But, I…"

My look cut him off. "Forget it, all right?"

"Let him at least talk to you," he said. "It's not my place to tell you. I know he wants to tell you everything."

I shook my head, "Nope. I can't take getting my heart broken again. It doesn't work that way." I sighed. "Can I please go back to the ship?" I asked. "You can even beam me back, I don't care; I just need to leave. Please?"

"I'm sorry, Christine, you know better than that. You can't abandon your post."

"There're twenty others on board who can take my place; I wouldn't be abandoning my post."

"No," he said flatly.

"But, sir," I said, deciding on another tactic. "I've been injured, I need treatment aboard the ship."

He shook his head. "I can't let you leave; the transporter might kill you. We can't risk that. In fact you should be in the aid station right now. Why are you up wandering about?"

"I'm fine. Never better. Oh, all right. But don't make me sit next to him at chow and you can't order me to talk to him."

He smiled that smile that never failed to get to me. "I wouldn't think of ordering you to talk to him. Christine, really. You win."

I hadn't won anything, but Jim let me think I had. I knew he was siding with McCoy; men always stick together. All I had to do was avoid McCoy and his fiancée until the mission was over.

"Oh, and you might want to tell Peter that there are some irregularities with the inventory. The pain medication ran out before it was supposed to. He might want to look into that," I said as I started out the door. "Someone may have stolen it."

If Jim said anything, I didn't hear it because I was out the door. It looked terribly suspicious, that the pain medication turned up missing AND Dr. Beauchamp had told Jim that she had given me medication when I knew she hadn't. I wondered if McCoy would cover for her. I wasn't exactly conscious when I was carried into the aid station so I don't know if he was with her or not. And I really don't know how long I was out.

I was mulling over the possibilities when I ran right into McCoy. I turned around to go in the opposite direction, but he grabbed my arms and pulled me into another room.

I folded my arms across my chest. "What? Didn't I tell you I didn't want to talk to you?"

He dragged his fingers through his hair. "Don't let it end this way, please, Christine. Give me a chance to explain."

"Okay," I said. "Explain."

"I met Elsa after I joined Starfleet Command. We went to the academy together."

I didn't say anything. I had a stony look on my face.

"She was the first woman I met after my divorce. During those days, I stayed drunk most of the time. We had that in common; she'd had a bad experience, too, and we kind of drifted to each other. She was just as bad as I was; probably suicidal and I thought I could help her because she really did help me get over my divorce. And then one day, I woke up; I found I had a great life with Star Fleet, I had some good friends and I was over whatever messed me up. I tried to break it off with her a hundred times because I knew I didn't love her, and when I got assigned to the _Enterprise_ and we went our separate ways I thought we'd never see each other again. It'd been over a long time, Christine, honestly."

"She doesn't see it that way, obviously," I said. "As far as she's concerned, you're engaged. You bought her a ring; you planned to marry her. And you were always a man of your word. That's one of the things I lo—liked about you." I shook my head.

He held my arms tightly at my side. "I'm not going to marry her, dammit. I don't love her; I love you. She does know it's over. I've already told her, and if you had listened to me before you'd know that. I told her the minute I landed here. There is no engagement, Christine. If you had trusted me you'd have known that. Yes, I wished that I had made her see reason before this, I just thought she'd forget about me." He shook me hard before releasing me.

I rubbed my arms. "You're a hard person to forget," I said quietly.

McCoy's communicator beeped loudly, causing both of us to jump. "Don't go anywhere," he cautioned as he flipped the communicator on. "McCoy here," he said irritably.

It was Jim. "I need you in the aid station. It's Elsa."

We looked at each other and I tore off running toward the aid station with McCoy close behind. I kept saying a little prayer, "_Please God, don't let her be dead," _as I ran down the halls.

Dr. Blue, the Captain, and the director were there and Elsa was lying on a cot, unconscious. She was covered in vomit, and as I checked her eyes, I noted the pupils were pinpointed. I looked at Dr. Blue as McCoy came up behind me to examine her.

"I found her in the medicine closet," Doc said. "She had this in her hand." It was a spent hypospray. "It contained Fentanyl." He showed me the vial.

"Was she trying to kill herself?" I asked.

"No," said McCoy, taking the vial out of Dr. Blue's hand. "She was trying to get high."

Peter nodded. "I knew about her drug abuse, but she kept promising me she would quit. I wanted to believe her. I admit I covered for her. She's so beautiful. Is she going to be all right?"

Doc Blue nodded. "Oh yes; she will be very ill for a while, but I've given her something that will help get the drugs out of her system; it will help with the dependency, but I recommend she get additional treatment. She may be out for a while. Christine, would you please help me clean her up?"

Wordlessly I got a pan of clean water and began wiping the vomit from her. I closed the curtain and changed her into a clean gown. Her hair was matted, so I brushed it out. She was still beautiful, although up close I could see the dark circle under her eyes and faint lines, but I could understand how he would fall in love with her. She opened her eyes and looked at me.

"Leonard?" she croaked.

"He's right here," I told her.

"Get the hell away from me, bitch," she said bitterly. "It's your fault he left me." She was extremely belligerent, pushing my hands way. I was trying to hold her down so she wouldn't hurt herself; finally I threw my hands up.

"Go ahead," I said, "but if you fall on your butt, don't come crying to me."

She struggled to get up. "Leonard!" she said.

McCoy pushed the curtain back and walked up next to her. "What?" He had a disgusted look on his face."Keep still; you're going to hurt yourself."

"I'm sorry, Leonard. I tried to stop, but I couldn't take it anymore. I can't live without you."

He rolled his eyes. "Bullshit. Grow up, Elsa. You knew years ago we were through."

"A girl can hope, can't she?" Her words were slurred and she looked like she was about to pass out."

"Get some rest," he said. She smiled drunkenly and fell back on the cot.

"She'll be all right," Doc said.

I left her alone with Dr. Blue and started to walk out, but McCoy grabbed my arm. This time I didn't pull away; I smiled and kept walking and he followed me into the lavatory.

"I don't want to lose you; will you give me another chance?" he asked.

I shrugged. "I don't know, Bones. I just want to go home."

We were able to leave the planet the next day. Peter told the Captain that he'd had a long talk with Elsa and she was going into special treatment back on earth. They had an opening for medical doctor, but Jim assured him that no one from the _Enterprise_ would be available. He suggested he talk to Star Fleet Command for a temporary replacement.

The ride home was very quiet. Bones sat up front with Jim as he piloted the shuttlecraft. Scotty kept watching me. Knowing Mr. Scott as I did, I knew that my rejection didn't break his heart. His one true love was the _Enterprise_ and I was happy just to call him a friend.

I think everyone thought I go back to McCoy; forgive and forget, but I couldn't, not right then anyway. I was amazed at how much this had hurt me, and I honestly wasn't going to let it happen again. I was determined to take life a little slower and if it worked out, it worked out.

Bones seemed to understand but I know he was frustrated with me. Finally he confronted me in my own sick bay. I thought he'd try to strong arm me or kiss me until I couldn't think or see straight, but he didn't. He gave me flowers (roses, my favorite) and asked me on a date; a quiet dinner just the two of us. No pressure, no expectations.

"I'm not giving up, Christine, and I'm very patient. I will wait. I just want you to know that I want you."

I took the flowers and breathed in their fragrance. They were beautiful. "I want you, too," I said quietly. "And I do love you. I can't imagine my life without you. I want to try."

He closed his eyes and exhaled loudly. "I swear I'll never hurt you again."

"No more secrets? Is there anything else you need to tell me?"

He grinned and shook his head. "No ma'am. My life's an open book."

"Well, hell, you're no fun. I want a man of mystery," I said.

He gave me that look that absolutely turns my insides to jelly, and I burst out laughing. "Kidding," I said. "I love you just the way you are."


End file.
